I lost my flint and broke my chemistry set

I'm a firm believer that every time two people fall in love with each other, during the same period of time (that's key!), it is an absolute miracle! The last thing I want to do in this Post is make it sound like I don't believe in true love, love at first sight, love after years of friendship, love after a classic courtship, love from blind-dates, love from chance encounters, love that develops slowly, love in unexpected places or acquaintances, love by Cupid's Arrow, and any other form or package that love comes in. Because I truly do. Just look at my quotes on Facebook; clearly I'm a diehard sentimentalist. I just don't get how it happens, that's all. I've forgotten how to go about getting there. While I was last on that very happy road, I got clothes-lined hard from an unseen branch, and when I regained consciousness the road was gone, erased as effectively as that path in Disney's Alice in Wonderland (the old, animated one)! Stupid Lion-Broombeard-Thing... And since then the idea of taking that road again seems daunting.

This Post isn't the one about the Her that took the form of the afore to mentioned branch, whom I have eluded to in a previous Post. That Post will likely come later. But for now, let me just say that I gave it all to Her, and have yet to get it back.

Up until the infamous clothes-line incident of 2007, my entire life had one motivating purpose; to make myself the best person I could be, so that one day I would be able to be able to provide for my future wife's and family's needs, temporally, spiritually, physically, intellectually, etc. Each day, literally, was a quest to improve myself. I would wake up and go to work for my wife, I would try to excel at everything I did for my wife, I would honor my priesthood for my wife, I would try to stay in shape for my wife, I served a mission because I knew it was the right thing to do (yes, I did because of my testimony, too) and because it would help me become a better person for my wife, and so on. I'm not kidding! As I went about my day-to-day I was actually conscious of this going on. This purpose in life was the predominant motivator that kept me going, kept me doing good things, and helped me shape my existence. Remember how I said that I have always been able to keep a long-term perspective? Well that was it - Someday I would meet the woman of my dreams, we would fall madly in love and want to spend every minute of every day together, and I would be the man she would need me to be.

One of the problems with that mindset is that when you don't spend any time actually pursuing any spousal prospects, all you have to offer just builds up, setting yourself up for a giant catastrophe! I never had a relationship until I was about 24. And then, after I had just turned 25, I met Her. No details yet, but suffice it to say the first 3 weeks were bliss! I knew it, she was the one. Laughable now, but at the time I was convinced. And so what did I do? I vomited everything that I had prepared to offer my future wife onto Her's plate. Yuck. Not the puke… what I did. That whole Pearls Before Swine parable hits home. All of the sudden, all of these thoughts of preparation for some unknown person had a focal point. She was it. When I did anything, for those 3 weeks, it was for her. It was liberating, and I can honestly say that I have NEVER been happier. I gave myself completely. The emotions I felt during that brief, three week blip of my existence are still so sharp, the joy so great in memory, that it causes physical pain to think of them, now that they are gone. Especially since I don't recall how I got them, and have serious doubts about ever having them again.

At times I regret having fallen so hard, and having given so much without feeling like I was given anything back, and having nothing to show for it but a couple years of inability to open myself up to another relationship. But at other times I feel like it was worth it to have known what it feels like to be filled with absolute joy and happiness. To have risked the pain I ended up feeling for the possibility of finding true love. As William Parrish once said, “Run the risk! If you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. But you have to try. Because if you haven’t tried, you haven’t lived. ... Who knows, lightning could strike!" Make no mistake; Her was right there with me for those three weeks. Then she decided to wake up. So was it worth it? Depends on the day you ask me… Would it be worth it to try again? Depends on the day you ask me… Today? Hmm… sure.

So when Her was gone, gone was my motivation. Well... it would have been gone, had I not quickly replaced it with something else… Me! I changed my motivator and my point of view. I was now the reason I did everything. I pretty much said "screw Her and everyone else" and started making myself what I wanted myself to be instead of what I thought my future wife would want me to be. And I must say, doing everything for one's self isn't nearly as motivating as doing it for someone else, nor is it as productive. Well, it produces results, just not the same kind. I became self-centered, cocky, and self-serving. None of which I'm proud of, or very fond of in others. I slowly lost that nice, sweet, kind, sensitive Jakey-Bear side of me that I had often been known for during my life. I started having trouble being sincere with people and really caring about others. I would still listen to other's heartaches, because people still trusted me as someone they could confide in, and I could still give advice and words of comfort, but I no longer felt the same empathy for their situation. Oddly enough, I think that Joey, my cousin Aaron’s wife, is the one who noticed this change in me the most. Well, Joey and my younger brother, Phil. They were bothered quite a bit by it and commented on it regularly. It kind of came between Joey and I, which I regret. Their mistake, though, was in thinking that it had something to do with my losing weight and getting into shape, but that wasn’t really it, though it didn’t help with the ego thing… I speak about these negative characteristics as though they were a thing of the past, but it’s still something that I’m trying to suppress and change. But the truth is, the cocky, self-centered attitude was only a skin-deep defense mechanism; a way to try and recover my confidence and put on a brave face. I am still that soft hearted, sweet kid that I have always been. I know, funny coming from a cop, right? Anyway, I’m trying to suppress that ego and get back to my old self. The difference is that now I have a callused wall built up around my willingness to love. I promised myself that I would never again be the first in a relationship to let those walls fall and start to give myself to the girl. I would never again be the first to say I love.

Which bring me to the title of this Post; THAT MIND FRAME JACKS EVERYTHING UP!!! I lost my flint and broke my chemistry set. What does this mean? It means that I now suck at romance. I have been on dates with some great girls recently. Beautiful, smart, fun, engaging, easy to talk to, goal oriented, spiritual… everything a single LDS guy would like to find for himself. The kind of girls that aren’t easy to come by, even in Utah. So, I take them out on dates, we have a blast together; laughing, talking, eating… and then I take them home, with them stating that they had a great time, and meaning it. And guess what. No second dates! And you know why? Because I lost my flint and broke my chemistry set. I no longer have the ability to create a spark! In the midst of all the good times, I can’t seem to create any chemical reaction between us! So, while the girls are having a great time, it’s like they are hanging out with a brother or something. They don’t see the point in going out again, because there just isn’t anything there. For a long time I was pissed off about this, wondering why a girl wouldn’t want to go out on a second date when they had a good time on the first, and then I had the realization that it was because I had lost my flint and broke my chemistry set.

Basically, I have forgotten how to flirt with a girl, make her feel special, flatter her with sincere compliments, and ignite the fire between us. That knowledge is gone! Admittedly, I never knew much about it… But I knew something, at least! Not anymore, though… I lost it when I decided not to let myself get involved emotionally until I knew that the girl was involved first. You see, when I like a girl the compliments come naturally, and they are said with sincerity. I can find all the little, abstract things about her that I like, and tell her why I like them, making her feel like a million bucks, effectively stoking that fire and creating that chemical reaction. But if I don’t let myself like her then I am at a loss for meaningful words! Sure, I can carry on a great conversation, but it will be about anything except everything that matters. I’ll say something stupid and non-specific like, “you look nice”. Boy, what a heart-string-puller, right?!? Man… it’s just sad lol!

The problem is, when I start to like a girl I fall hard and I fall fast, getting emotionally attached pretty early on! Ask my friends who know me best, they will confirm it. Her is a prime example of this. I feel like if I start allowing myself to like a girl, which will give me the ability to find my flint and repair my chemistry set, then I will fall too fast and like her more than she may like me. But if I don’t allow myself to start getting emotionally involved, at least on some level, then I will just keep going on these meaningless dates that may as well end as soon as they begin. Sigh. Scary.

The realization that is stemming from my last realization (the one about the flint and chemistry set) is that I’m scared and that I have been letting my fear control me. Man, I hate that! My fear has been blocking my view to that happy road I once happened upon. The thing is I’m not sure that I’m ready to take steps to overcome it, yet. Geez… Stupid girl! I also hate that such a short, three week period has had such a drastic, lasting effect on me. In reality, the joy lasted three weeks, but the entire ordeal where I tried to bring the joy back was over about a 9 month period. But it is what it is. The human mind is a crazy thing, and life is even crazier!

My friends, I fully believe that true happiness comes from giving yourself completely to the person you’re in love with, and committing to that relationship as the number one priority in life. That’s why, I’m sure, I was so happy for those three weeks with Her; I had done that. And slowly my desire to experience that joy again, hopefully for a longer period of time, will overpower my fear. Good thing I have patience on my side. For the time being, I have certainly been enjoying bachelorhood, and plan on continuing to do so! I have very few regrets in life and hope to keep it that way.
The End.

If you’ve taken the time to read this, great. It was pure self-analysis. If you’d like to comment then feel free, but I didn’t post it looking for advice or solutions. Well, unless you know a cute girl that I can take on a date, show a great time, think I might be able to like, fail to compliment sincerely, and then take home without a second date in store… hehe.

There is a related topic that I talk about with my roommate, Bryan, about getting into our late 20’s without having gotten married, and why it seems that the chances of getting married get slimmer as we continually develop our individuality alone instead of in a committed relationship, but that will have to wait until later, and may be more of a discussion than a Post.

Introspectively,
Jacob